Bacon Cheddar Burgers

What do you do with leftover bacon? Whatever you want, but I decided to make venison burgers stuffed with bacon and sharp cheddar cheese. Your call.

I came to school this year armed with the best intentions of creating the greatest non-domestic goddess blog ever made, which means I brought with me several packages of ground venison.  It's a Prisk thing, and also, I'm not the biggest fan of beef. 

So I made some patties half the size of normal patties.  I shredded the cheese, cooked the rest of the bacon, and cut it into tiny pieces, and piled them in the middle of the little patties.  Then, I took another patty and put it on top.  Really scientific, I know....

Then, I cooked them!

I topped my burger with Muenster cheese and avocado, because I thought that sounded like something a domestic goddess would do.  I also cooked baked beans (which means I opened the can and poured them in a pan) for a side, and added one of daddy's home made garden-cucumber pickles.  And guess what.... I STILL had bacon leftover....

...so I made a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon on it...

In high school, my girlfriends and I had a go-to food that made our worst days tolerable.  It wasn't a pint of Ben & Jerry's or a bag of Oreos, it was a grilled cheese sandwich.  We would sit on the counter, ranting about the latest boy issue, homework assignment, future dilemma, parental problem, and anything else making our lives miserable, while someone made sandwiches and provided council.  

Ingredients:
- 2 different kinds of cheese (your favorite; I usually choose Muenster and Provolone)
- cream cheese
- bread
- butter
- 1 apple

Make the grilled cheese as usual, but spread cream cheese on both pieces of bread (the non-buttered side).  Slice the apple and while one side of the sandwich is cooking, place the apple slices in the pan.  Before putting the second piece of bread on top, place the cooked apple slices on top of the cheese.  Even if you don't like apples, you absolutely positively need to try putting cream cheese on your next grilled cheese.

If you're counting calories, find another blog.  I don't do math...

Bacon, Egg, and Toast Cups

I have come to terms with the fact that I am no Martha Stewart.  I understand that.  But just once I'd like to successfully cook one of her recipes.  Not to say that the BET cups were a complete disaster, a bit unorthodox in regards to the preparation, perhaps, but definitely no where near Martha status.

You'll see.

Things started to go wrong at step one.  This is my life.
Here is Martha's "step one"--

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly butter 6 standard muffin cups. With a rolling pin, flatten bread slices slightly and, with a 4 1/4-inch cookie cutter, cut into 8 rounds. Cut each round in half, then press 2 halves into each muffin cup, overlapping slightly and making sure bread comes up to edge of cup. Use extra bread to patch any gaps. Brush bread with remaining butter.

Here is Audrey's "step one"--

Don't have a rolling pin? No problem! Stick the piece of bread in a sandwich bag and firmly press a jar of peanut butter back and forth across the bread until it's flattened.... Repeat until you have something that looks like this:

At this point, I wasn't too strict with myself as far as sticking to Martha's words of wisdom, especially after I realized I didn't have a cookie cutter or a butter brush.  Deciding not to dwell on what I didn't have, I moved on to cutting out the bread in my own creative way, and cooking the bacon, of which I had plenty.  Then, I stuffed the bread into muffin tins one at a time, placed a piece of bacon inside, and cracked an egg on top.

 

Martha said that I should bake them in the oven 20-25 minutes, or until "...the egg white are just set."  Just set.  Which means... what.  Just set?  How am I supposed to know when that happens?  Are the egg whites going to knock on the oven door and say, "Excuse me, Audrey? Yeah, we're just set in here, thanks."  What about just plain set?  I couldn't take them out then?  I panicked, and opened the oven door every five minutes to check on my setting egg whites.  The incessant door-opening probably had a lot to do with the way my BET cups turned out, which was like this:

 

Nice and... crispy.  Regardless of how the cups looked on the outside, they were actually very tasty and made the perfect accessory to a balanced breakfast of fresh fruit and homemade cinnamon rolls (made by the lovely Kaitlin Villines). 

  

Here's the recipe straight from M. Stewart herself - Bacon, Egg, and Toast Cups

Next post, you will get to see what I did with the leftover bacon...

Testing Your Patience

And the winner is...

Bacon, Egg and Toast Cups!!!

If that wasn't your first choice, I don't know what to tell you.  Maybe you should have taken this voting thing seriously.

I apologize for keeping you on the edges of your seats, but let me be real for a second: I'm really not sorry about it.  I love suspense and I love it when people read my blog.  More suspense = more readers.  So, please tell your friends and loved ones about the non-domestic goddess and give my equation some substance.

You're probably wondering, "If the toast cups won, then where are the toast cups?"  Let me explain..... I'M BUSY.  I wish that the only thing I ever had to do was come up with witty and entertaining blog posts, but that just isn't the case, and for this I truly do apologize.  Not only do I miss sharing my life with you, but I miss eating real food.  I only blog about my cooking after I've actually cooked something, which hasn't happened lately, and is why I am currently living out of a box of granola bars, Pop-Tarts and candy that my parents sent to me.  They are already aware of this fact.

Instead of focusing on food, I'll use this post as domestication time, because I know we could all use a little more of that in our lives.

Things Audrey Never Remembers

Or, if my father were to write this:

The World According to Audrey

• Dark clothes are washed with COLD water, not hot, because darkness is cold and light is warm.  And that is how I am going to remember that from now on.
• Painting your toes because you bite your nails is perfectly acceptable, just ask Blake Shelton.

Who Are You When I'm Not Looking - Blake Shelton

• Being able to find things in your room (even if it takes an hour or so) constitutes cleanliness.
• The days of the week are as follows:

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday

but only if you have your planner or a friend to tell you what day it is, otherwise it's whatever day you want it to be.

• The refrigerator door can open AND close.
• Pancakes are suitable for every meal.
• Ladies, wear gloves.  It's chic.  I'm rather fond of this pair I picked up at an antique store for seven dollars this summer.

Not only do they look nice, but they keep your hands protected from fall's chilly breezes while you carry that coffee mug, umbrella or ________.  Those are the only two things I really ever carry, so fill in the blank with something of your own.  Gentlemen, when ladies wear gloves, notice.  They'll like that.

Spoiler Alert: Toast Cups coming soon.

Turning Up the Heat

I have decided to grab my culinary clumsiness by the spatula.  All my life I have been told that practice makes perfect (or at least gets you close), so practice is what I will do.

There are a number of dishes that I have been dying to make, but I just haven't had the confidence to do so.  Now that I've been doing more adult things, like paying bills, vacuuming and knitting, I've come across some sort of kitchen gumption and decided to cook for you all.  Not only that, but I have also decided to let you choose my fate.  Be nice.

The recipes I am most interested in attempting are:

White Chicken Pizza

Baked Mac and Cheese

Barbeque Chicken Rolls

  Bacon, Egg and Toast Cups

Tequila Lime Steak Fajitas

aaaaaand if there's something specific thing you want me to take a whack at, just let me know.  I'm up for anything.  All you have to do is vote (check the right side of the screen) on which one you would have more fun laughing about after I try to make it.  You have about a week to vote, so you better make it count!  Everybody loves a good disaster.  Don't forget to tell your friends -- they'll thank you later.



Photo credits to the following websites: www.mommiecooks.com, www.elephantine.typepad.com, www.canyoustayfordinner.com, www.marthastewart.com, www.ourlifeinthekitchen.com

Butter is Better

Yes, I still exist, and so do my wretched cooking skills.  Life has been hectic, but I want you all to know that the whole time I was not writing about my kitchen misfortunes, I was thinking of my readers.  Cross my heart.

You can all breathe a sigh of relief; not only am I back at blogging, but my wonderful mother bought me a cookbook. Yes, I, Audrey Jeanette, own (and stare longingly at) a cookbook.  I haven't made anything from the book yet (hence the staring) but I plan to!

This fall, I moved off campus into a quaint little apartment, with a real kitchen, which means that I have the ability to use a stove, oven AND microwave, so you can only imagine all of the "food" I will be creating! Whether people will actually want to eat that food... well... we'll find out.

My room mate has this orchid.  This story has a point, I promise.  As of this past spring, this orchid consisted of a single stalk and some dried up leaves.  I felt that all hope was lost as far as caring for and reviving this plant, but the plant's owner (Brooke Wheeler) disagreed.  I bet Brooke a tray of brownies that the plant was dead, and she bet me a tray of brownies that it was not.  This is what that plant looks like now:

Needless to say, I owe Brooke a pan of brownies....

Everything was going smoothly until I read the back of the box.  I had already mixed half the ingredients before I realized that I needed 2/3 cup of vegetable oil.  We didn't have any of that.  I read online that applesauce was sometimes a great alternative to oil in baking, but if we don't have vegetable oil, do you think we're going to have applesauce?

I put my creative mind to work and decided that melting 2/3 cup of butter was just as good.  I mean, it basically does the same thing, but tastes better.  Who doesn't like a nice, solid cup of margarine?

 After melting the butter, I added it to the mix.  It took a while to completely fold into the brownie batter, (did you like my lingo drop?) but I was patient.  I shortened the cooking time by about fifteen minutes because I was told by a very wise baker (my mother) that butter cooks faster than oil.  I'm not going to lie, I was worried about the outcome, but look at these beauties!

The moral of the story is: when in doubt, use butter.

Being A Better Betty Crocker

As I sit here slurping a freshly puréed mixture of blueberries and bananas (a recipe I am most definitely posting), I had the realization that I have been doing quite well with the process of domestication.  Then I had another realization; I've been doing so well because I spend my days knitting and making smoothies.  The only reason I have stepped foot into the kitchen in the past month is so that I can dump a couple of different fruits into a blender and press "on"...


I suddenly feel so defeated.  The thing is, does it look like I have a reason to cook for myself?

 That omelet is filled with mushrooms, prosciutto and cheese curds, for crying out loud.

Most kids gain weight when they're at school, but my problem is when I come home for the summer....

This is what I mean, though.  Both of my parents are chef-like and my older sister could have her own show on The Food Network.  I am determined to become a better cook.  From now on, I will try to do more in the kitchen; less snitching out of the frying pan and more learning.

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
Harriet Van Horne  

Best Smoothie Yet

1 banana

1 1/2 cups of blueberries

1 vanilla yogurt

1 strawberry yogurt

1 tsp of cinnamon

While this is all in the blender, add a drop of coconut flavoring and another drop of almond flavoring. My blueberries were frozen so I didn't use ice.

Makes two... if you like to share...

Wish me luck.  I know you'll be reading.

Let's Get ORGANIZED

If I’m being honest, I need some help in the organization area.  But if I'm being COMPLETELY honest, organization and I go together like Grace Kelly and Marilyn Manson...eek.  Anyone who knows me knows this.  My tornado zone bedroom (as it is frequently referred to by my mother) is a great example, as is pretty much everything in my life; my purse, my closets and my iTunes library.  As much as I am able to find things in these messes, I would prefer to not have to dig through clothes and an assortment of other objects every time I need something.  Here’s to cleaning it all up.

Part of me (the lazy part) thinks that I should hold off on blogging about organization because I will be moving into a new apartment in less than three weeks… the other part is sick of wading through mounds of unidentifiable objects… and would like to be reminded of what color the carpet in my bedroom is.

The things I have the hardest time organizing are accessories.  A girl can only have so many earrings, bracelets and belts, scarves, rings and shoes.  Let’s just say, my bedazzled, multi-colored, five-inch cup overfloweth.   

I’ve tried under-the-bed organizers and over-the-door holders, boxes with compartments and individual bags.  Here is what I have finally come up with.  I used to have all my bracelets thrown together in one box, but that caused tangles worse than Rapunzel.  This is what they look like now:

 I came up with the idea to use empty bottles of my favorite soda.  I'm a big Izze fan, and the other bottles are Wild Bill's Wild Ginger; it's a spicy ginger ale, the kind that makes your eyes water and gives you a kick in the pants. Delicious.

Next I would love to organize my shoes, but let's face it, there's too many of them.  I need them to be easily accessible in a way that does not frighten people when they walk into my room, because right now, they look like this: 

That's only half of them.

I can't believe I just put that picture on here... at least now you know I'm not kidding...

Happy organizing!

Little Brother for Sale

He's stinky, he leaves his toys in my room and he drools all over the place.  Not too mention he insists upon sleeping in my bed every night and hogs the sheets.

His best qualities include his loyalty and easily excitable personality; all you have to do is change your voice pitch and he'll respond.  As far as domestication goes, he listens well and obeys instructions, but he will expect a treat for doing so.
He is the spoiled child of the family, which is to be expected because he is the baby.  He responds to Pup, Bro, Dog and anything else you say loudly in his direction, including Colt, which is his name. 
You only have to feed him twice a day....

Oh yeah. He's a dog.

But as far as payment goes, bartering is fine with me.

Let's just keep this between us....

How could you resist that face?

Midnight Snacks n' Stories

I am writing now because I have just finished my midnight snack of juice and no-bakes and there is no way in this wide world that I am going back to sleep.  Have you ever tried sleeping through a heat wave in a house that has no air conditioning?  Doesn't really happen.
I know it's bad because A) I love sleep. Love it. B) My pin-straight hair is curling. CURLING. Not just frizzing, but spiraling out from my skull. C) I'm sweating, and weather.com is telling me that it is currently 87 degrees, feels like 94, in the postal code region of 49685.

Now I will subject you to nighttime ramblings.

The conversation came up in my house the other day if it is appropriate to use the bathroom facilities with the door open, if there was no one else in the house.  One member said yes, another said that they do it when there are other family members in the house.  My response was, "does that sound domesticated to you?" But of course, I think it's acceptable.

Another bathroom bungle; when you finish your duties and realize there is no toilet paper in the vicinity.
Attention people: it is our humanitarian duty to replace the roll after we have used the last of it.  We have all been in this forsaken position of having "no roll," or being stuck with one lousy toilet paper leaf clinging to the cardboard roll for dear life.  Because we all know what that feels like (humiliating, panic-ridden, mortifying, etc ;) replace the roll when it's on E.  Especially if you are in another person's house.

If you are having trouble finding a graceful way to handle this situation, don't worry about it; simply ask for another roll.  As my dear friend would say:
Remember, everybody poops.

Aren't you glad you clicked on this post?

Nuking No-No

I was scolded the other day when I asked if I could put pizza wrapped in tin foil in the microwave.... it was a serious question.  Apparently, you're not supposed to put metals of any kind in the microwave, a lesson which I should have learned a couple years ago.

I have been known to have the occasional fast food snack.  Sometimes I can't help myself.  One afternoon I made a stop to pick up one of my favorites, a double-stacked heart-attack from BK.  Something came up, as usual, and I wasn't able to finish my on-the-go meal.  This was back when burgers came wrapped in that foily stuff to keep them warm.  Later that day when I got home, I wanted to finish my burger, so I threw it in the microwave and pressed the express-cook button.  At this point, I know you are shaking your head at me.  Blame my parents.

Anyway, as you probably predicted, the wrapper caught fire almost immediately and blue flames filled the nuke box.  This is what happened:

 I think it looks kind of artsy but my parents disagree.

For future reference, here is a list of things that should never ever ever go in the microwave, courtesy of Alyssa Hutton: 10 Things You Should Never Put in the Microwave

Notice how number one is tin foil....

My mother enjoyed this post because I cleaned the microwave to take a picture of it.

Broccoli Leaves

Well, this is slightly awkward, especially after my June Cleaver comment... I went to a wedding yesterday... and then worked on this scarf I'm currently knitting... way to eat your words, Audrey.

On a better note, my parents finally got home from vacation! No more disaster dinners!  Although, there was this one little thing that happened....

 Before they left me to fend for myself, my father told me about the wonderful lettuce that currently grows in our garden.  He told me that it would be great if I could pick some and make salads while they were gone.  I concurred.  One fine day I had the sudden urge to make a salad (doesn't usually happen) and use the garden lettuce.  So, me and my bare feet marched out to the garden, saw all the huge leafy-green plants and started picking away.  I may have even started humming, I was having such a grand time.
Once inside, things kept coming up.  The leaves sat on the counter for a couple of days, forgotten.  It wasn't until my parents came home and noticed them that I remembered all the salads I had planned to make.

My dad said hello to me, gave me a big squeeze and looked at the lifeless, now crinkled pile of garden goods on the counter and said, "Why is there a pile of broccoli leaves in the kitchen?"

Broccoli. Leaves.  Broccoli leaves.  I had merrily picked a pile of broccoli leaves to put in a salad.  I don't know if anyone knows the difference between broccoli leaves and lettuce leaves, but it is rather obvious.  Like, here are two animals; which one is the elephant and which one is the house cat obviousness.  In my defense, I wasn't shown what the garden leaves actually looked like before I was instructed to pick them.  You would think I would have noticed the huge head of broccoli growing out from the center of the leaves.
No.  I did not.

Whozits and Whatzits

Today, I made lasagna.  And by “made,” I mean that I preheated the oven to 350 degrees and then took the personal pan of lasagna my mother made for me before she left for vacation, placed it inside the oven, and left it there for thirty minutes.  Just like she told me to do.  When you’re twenty years old and this is still happening, then you know it is time to get some serious domestic help… or start a blog.

I was unloading the dishwasher today and I felt like the Little Mermaid attending her first human dinner; I found all kinds of gadgets and gizmos that were unfamiliar to me.  

 Most likely they are all used for hair-brushing.

I mean seriously; under what circumstances are these apparatus’ absolutely necessary?

That’s why I stick with simple objects.  This is the only thing I unloaded from the dishwasher that I actually 

 used this week:

Someday, Domestic Goddesses, I will be part of your world.

Class from the Past

I have to say, I’m feeling very domesticated at this moment: I just unloaded the dishwasher, both the washer and dryer are running and I made coffee.  Then I tried to make an omelet.  Those were some great scrambled eggs.  Never fails.

Yesterday I visited with my grandparents.  My parents are out of town and I am almost sick of frozen pizza, so I decided to invite myself over to Grandma’s (always acceptable).  I knew that she needed help with some things around the house and I would do just about anything for a home-cooked meal at that point.  And I love my grandparents. Which brings up something else.

If you have the option of visiting with your grandparents, take advantage of that.  They aren’t usually around for very long; something I know a lot of people have experienced, including yours truly.  Not only are they full of wisdom and chivalry, but you will learn more from an afternoon with your grandparents than a year with anyone else.  Your grandparents love you differently than anyone in your family and it’s one of the most beautiful loves I have seen.  That being said, if there is one goddess I know that has all the laws of domestication down perfectly, it would be my grandmother.  She passed them to my mother, who is a modern-day Martha and my sister, who could teach Bobby Flay a thing or two…. and… yeah, I’m still working on it.

I don’t want anyone to think that my greatest desire in life is to become a June Cleaver; filling my days with needlepoint and cake decorating and attending weddings in my spare time.  If there is anything in life I wish never to become, it is a housewife.  I have basically come to terms with the fact that I will never be married, due to my horrid cooking skills.  That’s fine.  But when a smashdown (I’ll explain later) becomes your main food staple, there is a problem.  The amount of clumsiness that fills my everyday life is slightly overwhelming.  It’s a work in progress.

So.  My grandma.

This professional seamstress had dinner on the table at six when Gramps got home from work.  By the time I was ready to help her with the dishes, they were done.  I was in awe.  She knows what’s up.  Thanks to her 50 years of practice, she has mastered her abilities.  She raised five children, ran a Bed & Breakfast and can sew anything and everything you ask her to.   

Not to mention she makes a mean pot roast and knows how to take her coffee: in the right mug.

Smashdown 

A grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich, not a wrestling move.

Step One: make a pb&j

Step Two: spread butter on one side

Step Three: cook buttered side in pan on stove

Step Four: spread butter on up-facing side

Step Five: flip

Step Six: using the spatula, smash the sandwich as much as possible.  This step is optional, but it's where the name came from, so it's recommended. 

Step Seven: you can eat it now, but it will be very hot.

Cooking by Audrey.  Welcome to my world. 

Escape from Veggie Land

I do not like healthy things.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate veggies; it’s just that, if I had the choice between a pint of ice cream and a plateful of green things… well… that’s not a difficult one.  In order to fill my sweets craving and stay healthy, I’ve had to come up with multiple food options that fit both categories.  

              Option #1: The Smoothie

Ingredients:

1 banana

3-4 ripe strawberries

½ cup of juice (any kind will do)

1 T of soy protein

1 t of flax seed

1 t cinnamon
1 dollop vanilla

aaaaand anything else you want to throw in there that sounds good, i.e. blueberries, raspberries, oranges, yogurt, etc;

Blend that all together and enjoy.

                Option #2: Granola

This is a recipe I found in my mother’s handy dandy recipe box and, believe it or not, I managed to make a tasty batch of granola (honestly, it’s not difficult).

Ingredients:

Dry

6 cups oats

1 cup wheat germ

½ cup sliced almonds

½ cup packed brown sugar

1 cup flax seed

Wet

½ cup canola oil

½ cup honey

1/3 cup water

1 ½ t salt

1 ½ t vanilla

I added 1 cup of dried cherries

Mix the dry ingredients together.  Mix the wet ingredients in a separate bowl and microwave until soupy, then stir.  Pour wet ingredients into dry and mix thoroughly. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Place mixture on cookie sheet.  Cook for thirty minutes stirring frequently.  Cool and add cherries.

I love this homemade granola because you can add anything you want to it.  I usually add some cinnamon to the dry mixture and some vanilla to the wet mixture.  It goes well with yogurt and fresh berries!  Not to mention it is very filling, which saves me from sneaking cookies or chocolate chips from the pantry later in the day…. I always thought that green things looked better when used for presentation, don't you?

 Good morning, World. I am ready to take you on.

Welcome to My Kitchen

You are more than welcome to leave.  I decided to start in the kitchen because it is most definitely my weak spot.  I cannot cook to save my life, or the life of anyone else, for that matter.

Senior year of high school I tried a nice gesture for my friends by making them chocolate chocolate chip cookies.  I ended up melting half the spatula in a pot of chocolate chips and all my friends took bets on whose cookie would hold rubber fragments of "the spatula that was."  I have since recommended that my mother switch to silicone spatulas... If anyone else has had this problem, see this website:
http://www.cooking.com/products/shprodli.asp?Keywords=Silicone+Spatulas

Aside from melting spatulas, I have also been known to set microwaves on fire, hide the peanut butter in the fridge and burn everything.  I cannot tell wheat germ from flour or croissants from biscuits.  I am the ultimate kitchen disaster, which is why I decided to start my introduction with the kitchen slowly.

Today I am going through my mother's recipe box.  My return to college is approaching and this year I am living in an apartment with a full kitchen.  This means I must cook my own food. And survive.
I went through my professional chef of a mom's recipes to find:
A) Familiar things
B) Food I enjoy
C) Food I can actually make
I wasn't necessarily looking in that order, but those are the three big ones.

Once I found a recipe that sounded simple and enjoyable, I copied it onto a 3"x5" index card, slipped it into a box and voila, my very own recipe box!

Baby steps, people, baby steps.